Honestly...

Written on March 10, 2011 -

FYI - it's a bit whiny, but it's where I was at this point in time.  Since writing these thoughts out, I've had a shift in mood (much more positive!  the sun is out - and that helps tremendously!!) and the ability to comprehend "the light at the end of the tunnel" is much more clear....


Thoughts at 39 weeks, 1 day with #4:


This is getting hard to do. Physcially, emotionally....I'm tired! My body hurts in places that never have. My mind is divided in ways that its never been before. I'm torn. I'm spent. I ache. And I seriously hate to complain. So I'm here, writing. Pouring it out of my head, because here I can easily convey my thoughts, and not feel judged.
Don't get me wrong: I am overjoyed to be pregnant! And a boring, uncomplicated pregnancy at that ~ I do not wish it were otherwise. I love this baby - feeling him/her move inside of me, not having to sharing these precious moments with anyone else.

I am also aware that I have the ability to enjoy a spontaneous labor on my own ~ without induction or scheduled c/s or interventions of any sort. I love this too, and I do not take it for granted.



But.



But....ouch. And sigh....and Zzzzzz....



I sit at my desk at work, only to struggle getting up and then walk in a human fashion down the hall in front of my co-coworkers. (Thought: do I scare them?)

I am annoyed by comments. ("Whoa" and "when are you due?" and "you're still here?" are several of my favorites...)

I attempt to wrangle my busy boys into pajamas front of my in-laws, only to have my MIL state that the baby has dropped because I'm "walking funny".   Perfect.

I cannot fold laundry on the living room floor because I can no longer get up by myself. Or off the couch, for that matter.

I have to pee every 20 minutes.

I feel swollen - my legs, ankles, fingers, lips.....tight and uncomfortable (BP and weight are right on track, no worries!)

I am irritated by the simplest things. (muddy dog paws, endless rain, spilled milk, driving cars on the walls...irrational no doubt)

My mother is driving me insane. And I know she only has the best of intentions, and I truly love her to death. But seriously...calling with your co-workers (granted, who are all nurses) in the background, wondering about my cervical check by the OB? When there is NO CHANGE at 39 WEEKS? And no...I don't know about my OB's plans to go ahead and schedule a non stress test. AND YES I WILL BE CALLING YOU WHEN 'IT'S TIME' BECAUSE 1. WHY WOULD I NOT? AND 2. WHO IS GOING TO HELP CARE FOR MY KIDS WHILE I AM IN THE HOSPITAL DELIVERING THEIR SIBLING?! And I know my MIL thinks these same thoughts, but doesn't have the nerve to voice them, to me at least. Smart woman :)

I feel like there is an end in sight, but I am oh-so-far-from it.

I feel that no one in the world understands my thoughts, fears, or complaints completely.

I feel alone.

I feel like I have this huge, overwhelming task in front of me, AND feel alone.

I worry about silly things. (who will feed the dog and let her out when we are at the hospital while the boys are with their grandfathers?)

I feel torn about big future decisions. (namely: work)

I have one foot out the door of....every area of my life, currently! My job, my kids, my husband, my home.......I am just mentally checked out of just about everything.

BUT.


I love this baby.

I love being pregnant.

I love my children.

I love rubbing my belly, and feeling the baby respond to my touch, already!

I love working and providing for my family.

I love doing mundane chores at home, like laundry. It's simple, it's concrete, it gives me purpose and a time to think. Now if only the clothes would fold themselves and walk themselves to the closets!

I love dreaming of this baby, trying to envision a face, and how s/he will fit into our family, perfectly.

I love not knowing "when".

I would not change any of this for the world.